last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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