I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
