why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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