We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
