My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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