Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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