Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
