those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
