i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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