the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
