Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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