the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
