i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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