Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
