hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
