If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
