I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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