Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
