I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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