Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just threw up on my dentist
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Randomize
