I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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