I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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