for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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