she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
