I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
