he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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