the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
