Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
