Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
