the condom got lost in my hair
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
