I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
