I didn't shave. On purpose
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
