So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
