If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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