Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
