My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
