In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
