I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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