My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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