I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
