The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Are my feet made of real feet?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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