You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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