I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
