For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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