I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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