I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
