Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
