FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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