did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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