he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize