Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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