Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
