Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
