I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
