apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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